Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go
You know I never really considered myself as an anxiety sufferer, I’m not sure why really, I show all the classic signs, maybe I was in denial, I am someone that will always answer “I’m fine” even when I am not, I bottle up all my feelings until I explode. Growing up, mental health was rarely talked about, it was something people laughed at, I guess sometimes I am still in the mindset that I should be ashamed. This is exactly why world mental health day is so important, we need to let everyone know that it is OK to not be OK, that we can openly talk about these things and that help is available for those that need it. Thankfully through social media, people are much more open and it’s so refreshing to see that you are not alone, there are people out there with exactly the same worries as you. I’m still learning to open up about my feelings but I’ll try and give you a bit of an insight into what goes through my head.
I have this wonderful ability to catastrophise every little thing. My head is consumed with thoughts of what could go wrong and who will die, sounds a bit extreme doesn’t it, let me give you a little example. Last night I woke up to the sound of a helicopter very close to our house, straight away I was in a panic that something terrible was going to happen, completely unreasonable things like we were going to get bombed, the helicopter would crash into our house, that they were looking for a murderer and maybe he would brake into our house. I lay awake all night feeling terrified that something was about to happen. This isn’t a one off though, every time I get in the car I brace myself for it crashing,the same with other modes of transport, infact I avoid most of them. On days out I convince myself that something will happen to the kids, meaning I can never truly relax and enjoy myself. At night I lie awake wondering if tonight is the night a fire will start, or the roof will collapse on us or a plane will crash into our house or someone will break in a kill us.
I struggle with making friends and maintaining them because I convince myself that no one likes me, I find it so hard when someone messages me on Instagram and go into a complete panic over what I’m going to reply with. So much so that it often takes me days if not weeks to reply, I then feel awful that people will think I don’t care when the truth is I care too much. I’m the same with people in real life too, I dread someone talking to me even though I am desperately lonely.
I was recently challenged to talk about what scares me and I quickly and jokingly replied everything, but the truth is that is the truth, I am so scared of everything, anything that I can’t control I get myself worked up over, I am terrified of change, of the what if’s. It is so exhausting and even though I manage it on a daily basis there are times when I can’t control my mind and it goes off like a ticking time bomb, all those irrational thoughts flood me at once and I feel so out of control which only makes me panic more.
I have to really work on staying calm and trying to remain positive, making sure I take time out for myself otherwise I am not sure where I would be today. There are times when I have lost control and felt so angry at the world, at those around me which is heartbreaking, my biggest fear is losing those I love yet I push everyone away.
My god anxiety sucks ass doesn’t it!
I have lived with this for the majority of my adult life yet I had no idea because it was not widely talked about, I naively thought anxiety manifested itself purely in the way of panic attacks but it is so much more than that. I’d hate for someone else to go through their life thinking that they are alone in having these feelings which is why I am sharing this. If I am honest I didn’t plan on writing this post but once I started I couldn’t stop. I feel so scared that this is out there for the world to see but at the same time it feels so good to finally write down how I feel.
It’s OK not to be OK