Anxiety And Me #worldmentalhealthday

October 10, 2018

Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go

You know I never really considered myself as an anxiety sufferer, I’m not sure why really, I show all the classic signs, maybe I was in denial, I am someone that will always answer “I’m fine” even when I am not, I bottle up all my feelings until I explode. Growing up, mental health was rarely talked about, it was something people laughed at, I guess sometimes I am still in the mindset that I should be ashamed. This is exactly why world mental health day is so important, we need to let everyone know that it is OK to not be OK, that we can openly talk about these things and that help is available for those that need it. Thankfully through social media, people are much more open and it’s so refreshing to see that you are not alone, there are people out there with exactly the same worries as you. I’m still learning to open up about my feelings but I’ll try and give you a bit of an insight into what goes through my head.

I have this wonderful ability to catastrophise every little thing. My head is consumed with thoughts of what could go wrong and who will die, sounds a bit extreme doesn’t it, let me give you a little example. Last night I woke up to the sound of a helicopter very close to our house, straight away I was in a panic that something terrible was going to happen, completely unreasonable things like we were going to get bombed, the helicopter would crash into our house, that they were looking for a murderer and maybe he would brake into our house. I lay awake all night feeling terrified that something was about to happen. This isn’t a one off though, every time I get in the car I brace myself for it crashing,the same with other modes of transport, infact I avoid most of them. On days out I convince myself that something will happen to the kids, meaning I can never truly relax and enjoy myself. At night I lie awake wondering if tonight is the night a fire will start, or the roof will collapse on us or a plane will crash into our house or someone will break in a kill us.

I struggle with making friends and maintaining them because I convince myself that no one likes me, I find it so hard when someone messages me on Instagram and go into a complete panic over what I’m going to reply with. So much so that it often takes me days if not weeks to reply, I then feel awful that people will think I don’t care when the truth is I care too much. I’m the same with people in real life too, I dread someone talking to me even though I am desperately lonely.

I was recently challenged to talk about what scares me and I quickly and jokingly replied everything, but the truth is that is the truth, I am so scared of everything, anything that I can’t control I get myself worked up over, I am terrified of change, of the what if’s. It is so exhausting and even though I manage it on a daily basis there are times when I can’t control my mind and it goes off like a ticking time bomb, all those irrational thoughts flood me at once and I feel so out of control which only makes me panic more.

I have to really work on staying calm and trying to remain positive, making sure I take time out for myself otherwise I am not sure where I would be today. There are times when I have lost control and felt so angry at the world, at those around me which is heartbreaking, my biggest fear is losing those I love yet I push everyone away.

My god anxiety sucks ass doesn’t it!

I have lived with this for the majority of my adult life yet I had no idea because it was not widely talked about, I naively thought anxiety manifested itself purely in the way of panic attacks but it is so much more than that. I’d hate for someone else to go through their life thinking that they are alone in having these feelings which is why I am sharing this. If I am honest I didn’t plan on writing this post but once I started I couldn’t stop. I feel so scared that this is out there for the world to see but at the same time it feels so good to finally write down how I feel.

Always remember

It’s OK not to be OK


5 responses to “Anxiety And Me #worldmentalhealthday”

  1. Joanna Melia says:

    Well done for sharing. I can’t imagine what that’s like to live with but you are obviously doing a great job. I sometimes get little glimpses of it, especially the anxiety about thinking friends don’t like me because i must have said something wrong, especially online where people come a day go all the time. I can’t offer any advice, but by sharing you are doing a great thing, and don’t worry about replying 😉

  2. Luna says:

    Well done for having the confidence to put your feelings into words, anxiety is awful and something that has to be managed over a very long period of time before you feel like you have any form of control over it rather than the other way around.

    I would love to hear more, as I too found it got worse after having children. You have more people to be responsible for and to keep safe and much less time to yourself to calm down and and take a minute when you get overwhelmed.

    In my case my personal confidence hit rock bottom as I felt I just didnt have time to ‘look after’ myself as such and lived in jogging bottoms and baggy ‘mum wear’, I stopped wearing make up and spent most of the average day being covered in baby sick or food stuff.

    I spent most of the day worrying about how others perceived me even more than I usually would and just seemed to slip into the mum stereotype to fit in with everyone else so I wasnt noticed. It didnt help that I simply followed the same routines almost to military precision after children and if something didnt quite go to plan I went into a panic as I felt like it had a domino effect on rest of my day and convinced myself then that the day was ‘ruined’ and I shouldnt even try anymore.

    I only managed to snap out of mine controlling me when I stopped sticking to the same old safe routines and started making an effort with myself and my partner. I rejoined the gym, made sure I took care of myself, went on some date nights.

    I even whipped out a few of the outfits I had convinced myself I looked awful in. A lot of my own feelings were all based around confidence and my sheer lack of it. As it turned out I got a lot more positive attention from doing the opposite of what I was initially comfortable with and this boosted my self esteem & confidence through the roof.

    I even managed to wear something I had owned for years and had sat in back of wardrobe with the tags on and had depressed me every time I saw it. I pretty much wore everything I owned by the end of the summer and binned most of the mum wear and it made me so much more confident in myself and my partner loved my new confidence and had huge impact on our ‘relationship’ too.

    I hope you can get a form of control over your anxiety too and the first step is admitting you have it.

  3. Kissa says:

    Really good post, I too have found my anxiety eased when I took measures to improve my own self confidence. Make a list of things that you arent that confident in doing and try to work your way through them one by one until your confidence begins to grow in those areas. This could be anything from day to day stuff to things of a more personal level.

    Then make a list of the things in life that genuinely scare you, I know you said everything does but I mean things that are well within your control and not stuff like Spiders/snakes etc which would be classed as rational fears. The less things you dont have the confidence to do or at least try, the less things you have to be nervous, self conscious or anxious about in the long run as they will just become everyday activities. All the best x K

  4. I found that my anxiety killer was right in front of my face the whole time and its often criminally overlooked after children & other things take priority in your life. It strengthens relationships, improves mood, confidence, sleep and so many other things and its how we end up with babies in the first place (in most cases anyway as this is 2018 after all) and takes no time at all depending on how good you get of course. I think we all know what im referring to…

  5. Kristin says:

    First of all I want to say congratulations for writing this post and acknowledging that something isnt quite right. Secondly I want to tell you that there is light at the end of that dark tunnel and with some effort you can totally overcome your anxiety and be a better person than ever and have a mind blowing relationship.

    Somehow we have accepted the concept that our past defines who we are, but the truth is that our past cannot define us, but we define ourselves through our behaviour and actions of our present. Our past doesn’t define us, because the past is gone and is always behind you.

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